Feeling out of place
There are many times when I feel out of place; when I feel excited about going into a topic that nobody cares about (quantum physics at first, but it could be anything that I find worth talking about nowadays), or about things that people don't want to hear (my mother who fails to face the truth to avoid confrontations), when I'm at church, and I do not share the same paradigm of those who sit next to me and lastly when I mention something that I enjoy doing that many people do not feel similar about (going to watch movies alone, being alone to avoid having to entertain someone else, reading books... etc).
However in a conservative society such as Singapore, it is very easy to feel out of place. Singapore may be advanced on many things such as technology and governance, but when it comes to keeping an open mind I think we have many ways left to go. Being homosexual is a surefire way to distance yourself from religious or conservative friends and family of which there are many. Speaking against the government, as shown by our recent infamous case of Amos Yee, is a surefire way becoming public enemy number one. Indeed, being slapped by a member of the public and being reported on by your own parents is by no way a fun series of events leading up to you leaving the country (I'd like to comment that he was not revoked of his citizenship in Singapore, but went to the US which offered him asylum where he still stays under detention.)
But Singapore is not all gloom and doom as I described it in the past two paragraphs; there are a lot of redeeming features about this country that I enjoy. However in terms of interpersonal relationships, I do feel very left out. I do feel okay about this; an antisocial behaviour is something that I have also come to terms with. However with snide comments that I pick up over the last few months, I start to wonder if being myself is well... healthy. What is more important? How I feel about myself or about how others think of me? Make no mistake, this is not a question about self-esteem, but of what is better for me as a person. Left to my own faculties, I would only leave the house to exercise, eat, watch movies or to borrow a book. But the expectations of others encourage me to socialise with others, do or say things that I do not mean or want to do accordingly and speak to people who may not provide me with any satisfaction, but are of use or manipulation in the future, say business or assistance with a particular situation. As such perhaps society expects me to put on a mask, a mask that so many others have gotten used to recently, that it becomes impossible to pry open to mask or to tell if the mask is even present anymore.
I hope to be able to fit into this mask, for without it I would have a 'problem', but I just hope that once I find a way for it to fit it won't be hard to pull off. On the other hand, maybe the mask is a much better face than the ugly one that I wear beneath it.
Cheers,
Matthew Tan
However in a conservative society such as Singapore, it is very easy to feel out of place. Singapore may be advanced on many things such as technology and governance, but when it comes to keeping an open mind I think we have many ways left to go. Being homosexual is a surefire way to distance yourself from religious or conservative friends and family of which there are many. Speaking against the government, as shown by our recent infamous case of Amos Yee, is a surefire way becoming public enemy number one. Indeed, being slapped by a member of the public and being reported on by your own parents is by no way a fun series of events leading up to you leaving the country (I'd like to comment that he was not revoked of his citizenship in Singapore, but went to the US which offered him asylum where he still stays under detention.)
But Singapore is not all gloom and doom as I described it in the past two paragraphs; there are a lot of redeeming features about this country that I enjoy. However in terms of interpersonal relationships, I do feel very left out. I do feel okay about this; an antisocial behaviour is something that I have also come to terms with. However with snide comments that I pick up over the last few months, I start to wonder if being myself is well... healthy. What is more important? How I feel about myself or about how others think of me? Make no mistake, this is not a question about self-esteem, but of what is better for me as a person. Left to my own faculties, I would only leave the house to exercise, eat, watch movies or to borrow a book. But the expectations of others encourage me to socialise with others, do or say things that I do not mean or want to do accordingly and speak to people who may not provide me with any satisfaction, but are of use or manipulation in the future, say business or assistance with a particular situation. As such perhaps society expects me to put on a mask, a mask that so many others have gotten used to recently, that it becomes impossible to pry open to mask or to tell if the mask is even present anymore.
I hope to be able to fit into this mask, for without it I would have a 'problem', but I just hope that once I find a way for it to fit it won't be hard to pull off. On the other hand, maybe the mask is a much better face than the ugly one that I wear beneath it.
Cheers,
Matthew Tan
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