Emotions

So today is another emotional day in my life. It doesn't take long to notice that all these emotional days always involve those of the opposite sex. Whether I'm trying to avoid them or rejecting them or being rejected by them, girls never fail to make my life an emotional roller coaster. What happened tonight was the latter. In a way I always see the latter as justice for all that I have ever done in the past: a way for God to punish me for all the things that I have done to hurt girls in my past.

I don't feel sad. I don't feel confused. What I'm more worried about rather than being sad about is that with every rejection I get I feel less and less, and with every girl I hurt I feel more and more. I feel that the emotions that I have are becoming less and less potent with every time they are put to the test, and I suppose emotionally that keeps me stable. On the other hand, I always feel like I lose a little bit of myself in the process. What are humans without emotions? 

I must admit that as a child I was brought up drowned in emotions. Love from my parents, happiness from my friends and romance in the ideal world from TV shows (Avatar: The Legend of Aang has way to many emotion inducing moments for it to be just a TV show). And I always thought that the world was similar to the world that I was brought up in. I only now realise that the world runs on a lack of emotions: a lack of empathy for others, a lack of love for our neighbours and perhaps this is what makes the world so cruel. Perhaps if we stayed drowned in these emotions the world we live in would not change for the worst. 

I wrote this post for myself rather than for my readers. I thing writing things has allowed me to understand a few things: as I reach the end of the year I remain another single (yet devilishly handsome) young individual. I suppose that I was rejected for the right reasons: that I was rejected for being too nice. This, in retrospect, would be much better than being rejected for being to mean... right?

Nevertheless I refuse to change for someone else. I refuse to be meaner, I refuse to be nicer and I refuse to be dumber for the sake of someone else. My ego won't allow it, and I suppose that it'd be nicer to be single holding on these principles that I have instead of changing it just to be in the company of another person to be emotionally fulfilled. Whether or not someone outside my family appreciates me romantically, I don't really care. Because I love myself and that's probably the only thing in the world that matters to me.

Cheers,

Matthew Tan