Scared of the competition?
I just had the weirdest sensation today: I just ate, I was full, yet I wanted to eat more. My body was telling me it was full but the brain told me it was hungry. Once again I see a split between the mind and the body. Of course, this only goes to tell me that I've been recently binge eating just to stay calm as the exam approaches. In retrospect, it's probably the only time I am not expected to study, which is probably why I want my eating times so badly.
I am studying, I am working, but what I am missing is the fear. Unlike other people I don't fear that someone will replace my future because of my lack of grades, and I don't fear failure. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I've had enough of living in fear and worry of failure, which is unlikely to happen to someone that prepares. Nevertheless this is the type of mentality that I grew up as a child in and I am happy that I managed to stray away from that narrow minded thinking. But perhaps it could be the mentality that I need to be able to do well in this exam.
As shallow as it may seem, at the end of the day my life will never be as bad as the next person. I live in a relatively privileged environment, and although my parents try and create a sense of humility in me by saying that we do not, it's impossible to hide facts from a nineteen year old who has got the chance to see poverty in Indonesia. My family is the top 1 percenter in terms of income, and I am not afraid to say it at all. It would be weird to see a non one-percenter in Singapore, for we are already such a rich country. No matter what our circumstance, it will never beat the environment that people outside of Singapore, where the government kills its own rebellious people with bomb strikes to stay in power or is corrupted enough to accept donations of 752 USD straight into the bank account from foreign donors. Although unfair, it is comforting to have this thought.
Looking at the award nominees for this term, it was hard to imagine how one could ever compete with such people. Those who are still so spirited when I was so easily burnt out. I am tired of the idea that your worth is defined by a piece of paper, but the fact that these people have integrated themselves so highly up the status ladder with such good awards on paper have left me feeling intimidated, although I shouldn't be. As my friend said, "at the end of the day your worth is in the eyes of God". Although I am not going to subject one to to such religious ideals, I am going to subject one to the idea that your worth is defined by yourself. This paradigm is hard to accept considering that people are keen to judge one another so easily, whatever your age or background. The worst ones are those that do it without you knowing.
I've already digressed so much from original topic, and it was nice to just let my mind wander about what was bothering me and the type of conclusions that came through. I find it to be a very good habit that I am able to write my worries down on paper and its ability to just disappear, and now I find myself ready to do a bit more work, although little.
Cheers,
Matthew Tan
I am studying, I am working, but what I am missing is the fear. Unlike other people I don't fear that someone will replace my future because of my lack of grades, and I don't fear failure. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I've had enough of living in fear and worry of failure, which is unlikely to happen to someone that prepares. Nevertheless this is the type of mentality that I grew up as a child in and I am happy that I managed to stray away from that narrow minded thinking. But perhaps it could be the mentality that I need to be able to do well in this exam.
As shallow as it may seem, at the end of the day my life will never be as bad as the next person. I live in a relatively privileged environment, and although my parents try and create a sense of humility in me by saying that we do not, it's impossible to hide facts from a nineteen year old who has got the chance to see poverty in Indonesia. My family is the top 1 percenter in terms of income, and I am not afraid to say it at all. It would be weird to see a non one-percenter in Singapore, for we are already such a rich country. No matter what our circumstance, it will never beat the environment that people outside of Singapore, where the government kills its own rebellious people with bomb strikes to stay in power or is corrupted enough to accept donations of 752 USD straight into the bank account from foreign donors. Although unfair, it is comforting to have this thought.
Looking at the award nominees for this term, it was hard to imagine how one could ever compete with such people. Those who are still so spirited when I was so easily burnt out. I am tired of the idea that your worth is defined by a piece of paper, but the fact that these people have integrated themselves so highly up the status ladder with such good awards on paper have left me feeling intimidated, although I shouldn't be. As my friend said, "at the end of the day your worth is in the eyes of God". Although I am not going to subject one to to such religious ideals, I am going to subject one to the idea that your worth is defined by yourself. This paradigm is hard to accept considering that people are keen to judge one another so easily, whatever your age or background. The worst ones are those that do it without you knowing.
I've already digressed so much from original topic, and it was nice to just let my mind wander about what was bothering me and the type of conclusions that came through. I find it to be a very good habit that I am able to write my worries down on paper and its ability to just disappear, and now I find myself ready to do a bit more work, although little.
Cheers,
Matthew Tan
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