Having a revelation
It has been over 2 months since I last posted, although those 2 months have felt like a week. There is a lot I want to catch up on, and I wish instead of writing a post I could instead go up to my readers and explain it verbally instead. I could use some advice, although I'm not sure where to get it from.
I decided to take four classes this semester relative to the five that I took last semester. I told myself that this would be a relatively more 'chill' semester to be able to allocate time to do things that I couldn't do over the summer because of my internship. Because of my expected free time, I took up more leadership roles in my CCA, joined many other workshops and invested more time in different programs, thinking that I would have enough time to achieve all my goals effectively.
Oh young self, how wrong you were.
For some reason, the school decided to unload all projects this semester on us from the first week. About three of my classes have the content of "This is your project, every lesson will teach you how to do the project. Also, you have a final.". This confuses me a lot as I feel like I don't do anything besides going through the motions of a project. Additionally, I am also unsure of the contents of the final paper if not related to the project, but I suppose I will let tomorrow's problems be for tomorrow.
With some teams requiring me to do some heavy lifting, I found myself unable to finish all my work while committing to my workshops. Because of that, I skipped a lot of workshops and neglected my CCA duties, and needless to say, I never got to do all that I wanted to do from summer, which left me feeling stressed and depressed. Why was it that I was doing all these workshops and going through the motions of the projects when I didn't care about any of them? Sure they would add value to my school experience but none of them gave me additional meaning to my life. If I were to die today doing my projects, I would feel that I missed the opportunity to do what I really wanted to do in my last moments, which is not what I like to do. I always feel that you should always be ready to die at any time, not necessarily doing what you wanted at that time (you have to do your homework eventually), but at least having no regrets and at that point in time, I felt like I would have had many regrets if I were to pass any day over the past few weeks.
I also got closer to a friend of mine, who I realised is actually a very nice guy. He helps out on weekends and is very genuine with no fake face. It took me a while to realise that the reason I signed up for all these courses was that I felt like I had to put on a face; that I was this sociable kid in school who wanted to be part of everything when in fact, I should put more emphasis into myself instead. Bill Gates used to stay home and read books all day and investing time in himself and he did pretty well for himself. I'm no Bill Gates, but to spend your time equally on yourself and school shouldn't be that unhealthy for me right?
Thus next semester I am determined to be a genuine guy and true to myself, and to allocate time to do things that make me happy. And although it's not what I want to do, I think I can check off "getting my driver's license" as well next semester to make my parents happy, because I want to make them happy. In the meantime, there's only one thing I need to do:
Cheers,
Matthew Tan
I decided to take four classes this semester relative to the five that I took last semester. I told myself that this would be a relatively more 'chill' semester to be able to allocate time to do things that I couldn't do over the summer because of my internship. Because of my expected free time, I took up more leadership roles in my CCA, joined many other workshops and invested more time in different programs, thinking that I would have enough time to achieve all my goals effectively.
Oh young self, how wrong you were.
For some reason, the school decided to unload all projects this semester on us from the first week. About three of my classes have the content of "This is your project, every lesson will teach you how to do the project. Also, you have a final.". This confuses me a lot as I feel like I don't do anything besides going through the motions of a project. Additionally, I am also unsure of the contents of the final paper if not related to the project, but I suppose I will let tomorrow's problems be for tomorrow.
With some teams requiring me to do some heavy lifting, I found myself unable to finish all my work while committing to my workshops. Because of that, I skipped a lot of workshops and neglected my CCA duties, and needless to say, I never got to do all that I wanted to do from summer, which left me feeling stressed and depressed. Why was it that I was doing all these workshops and going through the motions of the projects when I didn't care about any of them? Sure they would add value to my school experience but none of them gave me additional meaning to my life. If I were to die today doing my projects, I would feel that I missed the opportunity to do what I really wanted to do in my last moments, which is not what I like to do. I always feel that you should always be ready to die at any time, not necessarily doing what you wanted at that time (you have to do your homework eventually), but at least having no regrets and at that point in time, I felt like I would have had many regrets if I were to pass any day over the past few weeks.
I also got closer to a friend of mine, who I realised is actually a very nice guy. He helps out on weekends and is very genuine with no fake face. It took me a while to realise that the reason I signed up for all these courses was that I felt like I had to put on a face; that I was this sociable kid in school who wanted to be part of everything when in fact, I should put more emphasis into myself instead. Bill Gates used to stay home and read books all day and investing time in himself and he did pretty well for himself. I'm no Bill Gates, but to spend your time equally on yourself and school shouldn't be that unhealthy for me right?
Thus next semester I am determined to be a genuine guy and true to myself, and to allocate time to do things that make me happy. And although it's not what I want to do, I think I can check off "getting my driver's license" as well next semester to make my parents happy, because I want to make them happy. In the meantime, there's only one thing I need to do:
Cheers,
Matthew Tan
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